Humor

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams “Allah ho akhbar!”, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

What is a Kimber 1911.45 ACP?

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.

Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

This is all so confusing!

………… ………. …….. ….. ……… ……. …….. …….. .

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

………… ……. …… …….. ……… …….. ………. ….

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’
‘Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!

..

 

 

Sometimes you just have to laugh. 

(*** 

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun says. “Pull in to the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss like he has never been kissed before.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.” (H/T “Iris”)

A Sunday Night Joke

 

Biden finally breaks down and visits a remote northern native village. asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

“Well,” says the chief, “We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor.“ With news crews following him around as they tour the place, Biden whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. “I’ve pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?”

“We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We’ve been flying bottled water in, and it’s terribly expensive.”

Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. “The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people.

Now what was that third problem?”

“We have no cellphone reception up here,” the chief says.

It would be funny.

and sometimes you do things you’d never normally do.

Like Spongebob and Patrick.

Joe Biden‏Verified account @

Happy #BestFriendsDay to my friend, @BarackObama.JoeBiden